If you're happy and you know it, go to hell...

I would like to report a crime.  Someone has stolen my twenties, and I want them back.  As I precariously perch on the edge of my mid-thirties, I want a refund.  Seriously.  Where in the world did my twenties disappear to?  I have begun sprouting grey hairs, my eyes are developing crow's feet, and my laugh lines are exceptionally pronounced.  Who okayed this process?  I'm going to start a protest on Mother Nature.  Let's all march on the Fountain of Youth and demand our lost years back! 

I've had some fun in my life.  I can't possibly complain about that.  But who says that getting older means getting wiser?  I certainly don't feel any wiser than when I jumped out of an almost perfectly good airplane, or bungee jumped from a crane, or got drunk at Mardi Gras and kissed some random Marine on leave.  Ok, so I may have settled down some, but wiser?  I think not.  I still act a fool on a regular basis, and I still think I'm hip to the latest trends.  So, why do I feel so passe? 

Maybe it's because I'm not crushing on the latest "IT" guy in the tabloids.  Maybe it's because I'd rather stay home and watch a movie than go out and close the bars.  Or, maybe it's because I've become an old fuddy-duddy.  Man, my mom has a more exciting lifestyle than me!  (No offense, Mom. I'm actually jealous of your vitality!)  The train to Funkytown has left, and I'm still at the station. 

Well, bollocks to that I say.  My thirty-fifth birthday will be something I plan to remember; unlike the last fifteen birthdays that have gotten lost somewhere in my archaic memory.  I refuse to have another forgettable day.  I need to do something that will put all of my other less-than-memorable birthdays to shame.  Maybe I'll do something reminiscent of my short lived college days like a toga party or mud-volleyball.  Maybe I could combine them and have a mud-toga party!  Then again, maybe not.  So what do I do? Where do I go?  (insert your comments/suggestions here) 

I have five days to come up with something spectacular and memorable.  I'll let you know what I decide.  Whatever it is, I refuse to be mundane and have it as just another day.  Although I DO realize, that technically, I'll only be one day older than I was the day before.  I officially call it quits on aging.  I will remain 35 forever, hereafter.  You can't make me grow up.