I am not a wordsmith. I am, however, a lover of words, a fancier of the English language, and a sucker for good prose. Unfortunately, I have a little problem. I am, and have been for quite some time, a grammar nazi. Most of the time I keep my chastising to a minimum. But as of late I have been so consumed with misspellings, misuses, and basic ignorance of grammar rules that I have been unable to focus on anything else. For instance, I haven't weighed in yet on who should play Haymitch in the upcoming movie "Hunger Games," or whether Lindsay Lohan should just go to jail already, or even if Lady Gaga really is a man who wishes he/she was Madonna... All of these important ponderings have been left unpondered. And, I suppose I should get to pondering already...
Just kidding...
My main focus on today's lecture is speech... Yes, my little hypothetical friends, speech I said. As in grammar and spelling. Any and all of MY grammatical/punctuation/spelling errors are me taking creative license, and as such, not subject to debate. The focus is on those, shall we say, less informed individuals who make a mockery of the English language and turn it into some kind of monstrosity. I give you permission to call some of them idiots. Granted, it's not all their fault, some of their lack of awareness was begot by idiots, and had nowhere to go but down. Bear with me my lovelies, I've actually researched and compiled notes on these barbarians.
*Please note, if you are one of these people, stop reading now, as I will no doubt offend you, or more likely, confuse you.
One of the most common, most often abused phrases, is also one of the most misunderstood. When someone tells you, "I could care less what she wears to prom. Her face will still show." They aren't telling you what they THINK they're telling you. They're telling you they are either a teenager or a victim of lobotomization. I personally COULD care less about the state of our economic affairs; meaning I actually DO care for them, therefore, there is an opportunity for me to care less than I already do. What I COULDN'T care less about is what dress Adam Lambert wears to the Grammy's. It's really his decision as to whether or not he wears pink taffeta or baby blue crushed velvet. But, there IS one possible exception to the ignorance here that not many may realize. In Yiddish, there used to be a saying that was very similar, although the translation of it implied that the speaker was saying, "as if" before saying, "I could have cared less." In that context, for those of you unfamiliar with sarcasm, it makes sense. So, unless you're Jewish, or are feeling a little frisky, don't use that statement improperly in front of me.
Recognition and rehabilitation: These offenders are some of the easiest ones to spot. If they are not wearing a yarmulke or are not native English speakers, they get a pass. If they do not fall into the previous two categories, you will recognize them by their enormous egos, since they are not interested in anything that doesn't involve them. These people typically only need a little verbal correction to nudge them in the right direction, and maybe a little lesson about what the world REALLY revolves around, ie. not them. A quick smack upside the head is sometimes allowed in the most extreme cases where offenders are unwilling to cooperate.
There was an episode of "Friends" in which the character known as Joey uses the word 'moo' instead of 'moot'. This is a comical redirection of the next infraction that irritates me. If you have ever actually heard anyone use the term 'moo' when they mean 'moot,' you should just shoot them in the face, right there on the spot. I don't know of any circumstance where someone would refer to a situation that a cow wouldn't even want to discuss. No, the more common offense is someone saying, 'mute' instead of 'moot.' The term 'moot,' means arguable, up for debate, or a pointless endeavor. When someone says the point is 'moot,' that is what they mean. When someone tells you the point is 'mute,' they are hearing impaired. The point is not, in fact, silent as they would have you believe.
Recognition and rehabilitation: You may spot these people because they are always yelling, "What?!?!" whenever anyone asks them a question. I would suggest a good hearing aid. I heard Miracle Ear does wonders. Now, if someone who is not deaf or at least partially deaf uses this term, their insolence must be dealt with in a delicate manner. Usually I would suggest for you hurl several angry, venom-filled spiders at them. (The ones from Australia work best) But, gentle reader, there is a chance one of those spiders may bite you before you get a chance to toss them. This would be bad, hence the delicate manner required. I would instead recommend to get a bag full of venomous snakes instead. It's simpler and much safer for you. Simply toss the bag in their car, office, or bed, whichever is closer, and then run. Run far.
Another on my hate-list is people who actually still use "irregardless" in their vocabulary. It never was a word, (I pray to all that is holy that Webster's never caves in to your reckless abandon of language to add it to the dictionary), and will never be a word. Have we not bastardized the English language enough already? Regardless, (See what I just did there?) it is still used all too frequently, although it has been debunked many, many, many times.
Recognition and rehabilitation: These offenders are sometimes difficult to identify, but are easy to catch in the act... Typically, they attempt to imitate those people whom they identify as intellectuals. They are usually mistaken, as the aforementioned intellectuals they mimic, are most often pretenders who like using big words that they really don't know the meaning of. Correcting this bad behavior takes time. The offender will most often easily slip back into using the faux word if you give them an opportunity to do so. In this case, it is important to set up a strict schedule of regular beatings. And whatever you do, do not miss one or you will have to start the program all over again.
The offense that bothers me the very most, so much so, that I have once attempted to spear my own eardrums to save me from ever hearing it again, is "supposably." This, my uninformed reader, is not even a decent fake word. It is, in essence, gobbledegook. I assume they mean to say the word 'supposedly,' but they have either drank or smoked away too many brain cells, or may have just suffered exposure to lead paint as children. The only time this is allowed is if you are seven years old and are cute as a button. Unattractive seven-year-olds do not qualify for this exemption.
Recognition and Rehabilitation: The offenders that use this nonexistent term are the ones that were always caught sniffing glue in art class... You'll recognize them by the rubber cement on their fingers and paint fumes emanating from their bodies. I haven't quite figured out how to handle this situation in a good manner. For now I would just suggest strapping a muzzle on them and maybe even lighting them on fire to get the point across. It's not abuse, it's good discipline. Or it's just a mute point.
We all have our literary and oral faults, but please... Do your part. Spay and neuter your idiots.
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