Why having children should come with federal aid.

As much as I would like to take this opportunity to sound off on the horrible customer service practices of the local pharmacy (I mean, how long does it really take to count to 90 twice?), I realize I have bigger fish to fry.  The fish, in this case, being my children, and the frying pan, well, it's a frying pan.  

I realize that these are children that I'm talking about here.  Self-important, whiny, sarcastic, combative little  brats ahem, children.  What I don't understand is, why they feel the urge, no, need, to drive me to complete and utter insanity.  I can handle bickering.  I can handle the barrages of stupid, inane questions.  I can even handle the picky palates.  What can't I handle?  I'm so glad you asked.  

I am sitting outside on the back patio, staring at my dirt and messing around on my computer; taking advantage of the fact I'm not hearing screaming, hitting, swearing, or the thwomping of six little feet above my head.  Needless to say, this means I am about to be interrupted for no reason whatsoever.  My children have an innate sense, somewhere in the recesses of their brains, to know when Mommy's trying to relax.  

I have gotten interrupted for the lamest most important things today.  Such as, "my shoelace came untied while I was on the bus today, and I almost tripped."  Well, did you trip?  NO. You did not trip, therefore I don't give a rat's hindquarters that your shoe somehow intentionally untied it's own laces today.  I told you to double-knot them.  Not my fault you're shoelace-disabled.

Or, this little ditty...  "If I have six more bites can I be done?"  Sure.  There's only two bites left in your bowl, but you go ahead and take an extra four bites of air, why dontcha?

I know God has a sense of humor and all, but did he really have to go ahead and make children so completely dim-witted to the core?  I swear.  I was in the military for 12 years and dealt with some major contenders for the Nobel Prize for Stupid, but come on, how difficult is it really to sit on a school bus and not accidentally throw yourself out one of the windows?  (Don't ask.)